Building Trust – The Importance of Intimacy

Building Trust – The Importance of Intimacy

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An intimate relationship calls for intimacy – not only physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy, intimacy of thought, intimacy of feelings. It is amazing how quickly some of us will jump into physical intimacy because we are so afraid of intimacy beyond that. It’s like, here, you can share my body but my thoughts, my feelings, oh no not those, those are off limits.

The Importance of Sharing All of You

You know, there is an inverse relationship between the beauty of your thoughts and the beauty of your body as you get older, or hopefully that is so.

If your relationship is going to survive the ravages of time and benefit from the strength of your own insights, your own learning, you are going to have to trust that it is okay to share all of you.

That means having extreme comfort. Comfort at a distance from just merely trusting someone because of their behavior, or morals, or character will not get you there. Not in an intimate relationship.

The Benefits of Sharing All of You

You are going to have to get to that place where it is as enterprising, as delicious, and as enjoyable to share your thoughts, your emotions as it is to share your body.

When you are able to relate to each other in this manner, you can best be assured that even the differences between you will become something attractive and to be enjoyed.

Why? Because you now have the expanded context that understanding gives. If you do not understand something you are more likely to shun it and not find it interesting.

The Importance of Sharing Completely and Transparently

So here is a most important lesson about building and having trust in your relationship: There must be buy-in, there must be mutual association at the very least to those things that drive and build trust.

The only way to get that buy-in by you and your spouse is by sharing from a place that is complete and transparent.

It will never be enough for each person to hold up their character or values as self-promoting displays of trustworthiness.

I may find you trustworthy as a person but do not trust sharing my intimate feelings, aspirations or desires with you because I am fearful of what your reaction might be.

If you really want the type of relationship that is going to bring out the best in you, you have to get to that place where you and your partner are completely comfortable to share most if not all of you in ways that sometimes make it a bit awkward.

The awkwardness will eventually wear off and you will start to appreciate even the differences between you.

9 Ways To Build Emotional Intimacy

1. Practice emotional honesty. What do I mean by that? Simply choose to be honest with and about your emotions. If you are feeling hurt, say you are feeling hurt.

If you are feeling joyful and appreciative, say you are feeling joyful and appreciative. Just remember, you admitting to how you are feeling can be done in a manner that establishes real emotional connection between you and your partner.

2. Practice  intellectual dishonesty. Yes, we all know what that means. We have experienced it and maybe even been guilty of it at times. Do not practice it with your spouse.

In fact you should not practice it with anyone. Feel free to admit when you are wrong, do not bend the facts to suit your case. Just own up to your mistakes and errors. You will feel wonderfully good about your relationship and yourself.

3. From time to time share your desires and aspirations for your relationship, in a loving way of course. Even when things are not so right, choose to share them. Doing so will clear the emotional pathway between you and your spouse and keep it that way. 

4. Learn to listen, really listen to your spouse. It means developing empathy, and learning to be quiet when you are tempted to speak.

Doing so will open up your own emotions to what is being said to you instead of opening up your feelings that are most likely pre-configured thus blocking real connection.

5. Laugh a lot with each other. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins which is partially responsible for all those happy feelings you experience at times. Feeling good together create the type of memories that are emotionally satisfying for ages to come.

6. Communicate in a loving manner. Here is a ‘can’t go wrong’ approach to communicating with your spouse in a loving manner. Do not communicate from your ego, communicate from your soul. What do I mean by that?

Listen to what your soul is saying to you and speak from there. Most times when we communicate with our partner harbor all sorts of feelings and fears that interfere with that communication.

That, most of the times is coming from the ego. The soul, on the other hand doesn’t harbor these, it just wants peace. Communicate from there and you will develop into a great communicator who will always be listened to instead of being tuned out.

7. Let your physical intimacy be great moments of emotional intimacy. Look, let’s be frank here. Sex, which is only one aspect of physical intimacy, is one of the most momentarily emotional transformative experience we will ever have.

However, some of us are so afraid or even ashamed of that transformation that we try our best to not even acknowledge it. How can that be healthy?

Acknowledge it, share it in ways you see fit, whether by explicit or implicit communication, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that at the time you both get a sense of each other’s emotions. 

8. Share moments from your past that are important to you. Sharing moments from your past brings your partner back to a place you have already experienced. Share it in a manner so that it seems interesting but important to your relationship. Find ways to tie those memories to your relationship. Encourage your partner to do the same.

9. Humor yourself from time to time. Life is serious as is, you do not need to stay fixed in that seriousness to find security. Sometimes security is found in just accepting that you are not perfect.

Laugh about your mistakes and screw-ups and invite your partner to laugh with you.

What developing emotional intimacy will do for your relationship is allow you to be able to really make love anywhere, at any time you choose. To see what we mean by making love anywhere check out this next article.

By developing this level of emotional intimacy with your spouse you further cement the bond of friendship and companionship that leads to more trust and comfort in your relationship. 

Peta Jane Kayes

MBA - Human Resources Management, Author, mother, wife, my passion is relationships and healthy living.

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