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Relationship problems and relationship issues are known to everyone who has ever been in an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships require a level of patience and understanding that sometimes is hard to garner. And while problems and issues can be the result of any number of things sometimes these can be related to our own beliefs about what an intimate relationship should be.
In this article we are going to examine a particular belief associated with how we achieve satisfaction in our relationship and how having that belief can lead to relationship problems and relationship issues.
The Satisfaction Belief & Relationship Problems
The Belief: The level of satisfaction I will experience within my relationship is primarily a result of how well I am treated.
At some level we all want to be treated well, we all want nice things done for us and to us by others. There is nothing wrong with that desire.
In an intimate relationship, that desire to be catered to is probably more salient for the simple reason that it tends to validate how we want to feel about the relationship.
Being treated well in any situation tends to make us feel better about ourselves and about the situation, and an intimate relationship is no exception.
However, when we make a direct connection between our satisfaction level within a relationship and how we are treated by our partner, we are likely to develop a mindset that says ‘The better I am treated by you,the more likely I will be to find satisfaction in this relationship.’
That is a very wrong and dangerous notion. I have known people who were treated superbly by their partner, yet were still miserable in that relationship until that relationship fell apart.
Your complete satisfaction within your relationship will happen when and only when you feel completely free to give of your very best in that relationship.
Relationship Problems And What You Believe
Your highest satisfaction level does not necessarily depend completely on how well you are being treated in your relationship; your satisfaction level will depend on how well you and your partner create the environment that allows both of you to give of your very best to each other.
For even if your partner is extremely nice to you, treats you like royalty, and does all the things you expect of him or her, in the end your level of satisfaction is going to be subject to how deserving you feel for all of this treatment.
How deserving can you feel if you yourself are not giving of your best, and your partner is?
So here are some questions you should ask yourself about your relationship:
Assessing Your Relationship Purpose
What are you in your relationship for?
Is it to get something from your spouse? Is it to feel good about you?
Is it to create the environment where you and your spouse can experience the best coming from each other?
Your ultimate objective in a relationship has to be being more than just someone who benefits from the kindness of your partner; your ultimate objective has to be someone who is fully deserving of all that you have coming your way – the kindness of your partner, your joy, your happiness.
When you are in a relationship environment where you give as much as you get and still want to give more, then you will be truly satisfied.
That is the type of relationship environment that will give you your highest level of satisfaction and not one where you just merely get as much as you think you deserve.
In an intimate relationship your validation will not come from how much you are loved.
Your validation will come from how much you can experience love – which means giving as much or more than you get.
If your validation comes from how much you are loved, when that love is withdrawn you will become invalid.
When you have experienced how much you can love given the environment that you and your partner have created to make that love possible, that will be your validation and no one will be able to take that from you.
The problem with failing to create that environment where both of you can give and experience love completely is that the relationship becomes dysfunctional – games are played to get what is desired, doubts are raised about each other’s motivation, actions become hesitant and fearful rather than being aspirational.
That is not an environment for a relationship to thrive. That is an environment for a relationship to die.
We must rid ourselves of this notion that our happiness in a relationship is directly tied to the level of how much we are being catered to by our partner.
That mindset creates an environment that can quickly become dysfunctional, undermining the relationship itself.
Being catered to when you are clearly undeserving of that catering can get boring and burdensome very fast.
Your ultimate joy in your relationship will be the result of what you give and what you yourself experience from that giving.
If you give nothing and get a lot, it will get boring very quickly and rather than having the feeling of abundance in your life, you will instead continuously experience lack as you will become someone who constantly has to get to feel validated.
That is not joy. Real joy lies in knowing that the abundance that you are receiving is fully deserved by you because that abundance is really coming from nowhere else but in you.
You are in your relationship ultimately to receive and experience something that is already within you.
You have to create the appropriate environment that will bring it out and a huge part of creating that environment is to fully know that you have to be fully deserving of the joy and happiness you desire so much.
Having this joy and happiness without being fully deserving of it is just not going to happen.
Fixing The Satisfaction Belief Issue
You and your partner have to focus on building the environment where that environment brings the best out of both of you into the relationship itself rather than focusing on getting the most out of each other.Do not get confused about this.
So how do you get around this particular dangerous belief? Here are some tips:
Discuss with your spouse:
What are we in this relationship for?
Is it to get something from each other?
Is it to feel good about our self?
Is it to create the environment where we both can experience the best coming from each other?
How do we do this?
What must we not do?
In order for you to have the relationship that you truly desire and no doubt deserve, you have to change the underlying assumptions that lead to mistaken notions about what it takes to find satisfaction in that relationship.
If you want to change your relationship, you have to change what is in your relationship.
That definitely does not mean changing who is in your relationship, but what is giving you the results you do not want.
The truth is for most of us, whatever is giving us less than what we want is going to be pinned on someone else, when really it is within us.
The good news is if it is within you, then you can easily change it rather than depending on someone else to change for you.
The key is to change for you and allow them to change for them-self.
There is no magic or complex formula for changing this mindset. Once you think about it enough and realize that what you are getting from your relationship is almost the opposite of what you desire, you will seek change.
The hurdle is in knowing what to change and you just have to examine your own mindset to know how fully vested you are in a particular way of thinking and how that thinking is in fact giving you the opposite of what you desire.
So here is the type of thinking that will help you with that mindset change:
We are in this relationship to create the environment where we both will experience the best coming from each other and from ourselves.
That type of thinking now shifts the focus from who is doing what for whom to who is responsible for creating the type of relationship you desire. Then the real work of building that relationship will begin and you will stop beating up on each other and start making love anywhere.