Why Do Guys Pull Away Before They Commit

Why Do Guys Pull Away Before They Commit

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The guy I am dating has suddenly pulled away. Why do guys pull away before they commit?

Why, even after some hot dating, do men pull away?

What Does Pulling Away Looks Like

There are definite signs to indicate when a guy is either pulling away or about to pull away from the relationship.

Some of these include:

  • Not returning your call.
  • Not visiting as often as before.
  • Seems distracted around you.
  • Having excuses of late for not seeing you.
  • Not bothering to check up on you.
  • Avoiding your friends and family.
  • Low, or no interest, in intimacy.

The above are some definite signs that indicate that a guy is either thinking of pulling away from the relationship or is in the process of doing so. If you want to save that relationship it is important that you understand some of the reasons why guys will pull away rather than committing to a long term relationship.

How To Become His Secret Obsession

Examining  Some Reasons Why Guys Pull Away Before Committing

There are all sorts of reasons why men pull away rather than choosing to commit to a relationship. Some are more challenging than some. They could range from as simple as insecurity to as complex as carrying some heavy psychological baggage.

If you have experienced a situation where a guy has suddenly pulled away from the relationship, it may be useful to exclude the reasons that may have caused it in order to get to the real answer.

However, studies have shown that there is a common factor operating across all of these reasons. We will look at this one factor below. If you fully understand this one common factor, you increase your chance of saving your relationship tremendously.

Some Common Reasons Why Men Pull Away & How To Know

When evaluating any of the following one thing you must not do is take it personally. You will find that most of the underlying reasons have nothing to do with you.

You will also find that once you are informed about these reasons, you will be more prepared to deal with your own particular situation.

Let’s look at some of the more common reasons why men pull away in a relationship.

1.  He Still Wants to Play the Field and The Field Is Enticingly Similar

Studies have shown that  in an environment where young men are scarce, women are plentiful and attractive, they’re more likely to play the field than to commit. But this applies more markedly where the men are in the younger age range – say 20-25.why guys turn away before committed


However, as men get older, particularly above 30, they are more inclined to want to settle down. This may be because, no matter the number of women available, men are more wary of giving up on that woman he would want to settle down with.

How do you know if this reason is likely to apply to your given situation? – Seek to know from early in the relationship what he is looking for in a woman. You do not have to be nosy, or overbearing with this. You just have to be smart about your conversations.

2. Someone Else Is Attracting His Attention

Even a sort of commitment to you does not mean no commitment elsewhere. The problem with that formulation of course is a man who is likely to pull away eventually.

why guys pull away

We all have limitations and are prone to temptations. In fact we may even have illicit desires. Some of us know how to effectively deal with those desires. Some of us never learn.

So how likely is it that your guy may be pulling away because he is being attracted elsewhere? Depends.

Does he celebrate your better qualities? Has he even recognized them?

Does he seem particularly drawn to and attracted by your values, things that he finds unique about you?

These are important questions to ask yourself to find out if he is really just interested in being elsewhere.

If a guy genuinely shows deep interest in things that he values about you, if he seems to recognize and celebrate your better qualities, then it is unlikely that he is the wandering eye type.

3. He Seems To Have More Important Things Going On

What could be more important than your relationship you may ask. Well to a guy, a lot. It depends on what else is going on in his life. One of your responsibilities as the other party in this relationship is to know what else is going on apart from the relationship.

why guys pull away

Is this easy to do? No, at times some guys will be very good at keeping things to themselves. If that is so, then it will be obvious.

In this situation the most you can do, and should do, is let him know you are there for him. If he fails to take advantage of you being there then maybe the relationship is never going to work out anyhow.

Give him his space and let him figure out what he needs to figure out. That’s the most you can do in this situation when someone just choose to pull away.

4. He Is Only There For The Sex 

Maybe among the most easiest of reasons to figure out why guys pull away rather than commit is the situation where he is completely there for the sex only.

This one is easy to figure out because either you too have been there only for the sex, or you have become frustrated that it is only about sex.why guys turn away - in it for sex

If that is so, you have a clear decision in front of you: keep being there for the sex only, or look for something else if that is what you are after in a relationship.

5. He Is Just Not Into You Enough to Commit To A Relationship With You

This one can be a bit devastating for the most confident of us. But, again, do not take this personal. We are going to meet people who mistake us for something that we are not.

How will you know if he is not into you enough? It’s rather easy to tell.

Does he return your calls in a timely manner?

Does he respond to you tersely instead of seeming to want a conversation?

Is he willing to discuss relationship issues, even if the discussion is just in general and not about you both?

Failure to engage in any of the above is a sure red flag that he is just not into you.

There’s nothing you can do about this. You can’t force anyone to like you, and really, you shouldn’t even try.

The only appropriate action on your part is to let the relationship die its natural death and seeing it as a useful experience and not a loss.

6. He Senses That You Are Too Desperate For a Long-term Relationship 

Meeting someone and then becoming quickly attracted to them can be great. However this is one of those situations if not dealt with properly can give the wrong impression.

You never want to give a guy the impression that you are a sort of ‘damsel in distress’ for a relationship.

Guys find it difficult to be attracted to this type of woman. Their thinking is going to be, if you have become so desperate, maybe you are not that desirable.

Frankly, if you have led your man down this road by your actions, it is going to be very difficult to pull him back from that image of you. Your only chance here is to be honest, confront the situation honestly by having a honest conversation.

Demonstrate that you completely understand the image he has of you but at the same time demonstrate that it is only because you are honestly smitten by him.

7. He is Scared of Commitment

Some people are just afraid of commitment. It doesn’t even have to be a relationship. Commitment is just hard for some people. So, imagine someone who has a problem with commitment being asked to commit to a long term relationship. It is very difficult for them to just switch on the commitment.

8. He is Scared To Validate His Feelings By Committing

Strange as this may seem, some people prefer to pretend about their true feelings. This could be for any number of reasons. For example, a guy may have some definite pre-conceived notion about the type of girl he will fall for, only to find that he ends up falling for a completely different type. The only way he sees to deal with this is denial because he just can’t get rid of the notion of what girl is right for him. Committing to someone he has clearly fell for means changing that notion. Some guys find it rather hard to do this.

9. He Does Not Feel That You Really Need Him

Guys have this thing about guys – they need to feel that their woman needs them. Not in an egotistical or condescending manner, but feel wanted rather than just desired. Some women can come across as very independent to the point of not even needing a relationship. Independent is a good thing, materially and professionally, but at an emotional level, that sends the wrong signal.

10. The Relationship Lacks The Emotional Intimacy He Desires

As much as there may be chemistry in the relationship, it could be that it lacks emotional intimacy. To many couples, developing sufficient emotional intimacy is a challenge. Couples can spend a great deal of time getting to know each other, but never delve too much into the things that result in emotional intimacy. Oftentimes this is interpreted as being not emotionally available for one reason or the other.

For a relationship to be worth being committed to, there has to be a sufficient level of emotional intimacy. The strange thing with this is most of the times it is the female that experience this insufficient level of emotional intimacy. However, when a man has the experience it is likely to be a show-stopper for long-term commitment.

The One Factor Common To All The Reasons Why Guys Are Reluctant To Commit 

Jen was totally confused, bewildered, and a bit angry. Randy seemed such a great guy, he impressed her in so many ways. Yet, after just 3 months of dating, he had become distant, pulling away slowly it seems.

What went wrong with their relationship? Why do some men just seem to be unable to commit, she wondered.

Randy was a super nice guy – generous, fun, and always respectful. She thought he found her attractive and fun to be with. Was she wrong?

She had tried everything that seemed reasonable and wouldn’t scare him away to get him to open up. Now, a once engaged guy, had shut down on her.

Jen was totally frustrated and besides herself with the situation. Why did this guy suddenly turn away from her, and the relationship she thought they were building?

Many Guys Will Pull Away Rather Than Commit

Of course not every man does this. Not every man pulls away or shut down rather than committing after months of dating.

But that is cold comfort for the women who are on the other side of this cold-shoulder approach. It is hurtful and very bewildering to most women.

Some men will go out of their way to impress their date for the first few months, blow her away and then, without warning, the withdrawal starts. Until slowly he is just not engaged in the relationship.

And here is the thing – it seems to happen just when the woman is willing to give her full attention. Why do some men do this? 

Rather than making the decision to commit, some men willingly make the decision to pull away rather than committing to a relationship.

Dating can be a great adventure for both parties, but it can also be a time of great anxiety.

As humans we all want to feel accepted by those we somehow come to admire, to even love. So when it feels like the acceptance is waning, it can be devastating.

Many women go through this dating ritual only to end up being disillusioned and unsure of themselves. Because it is rather hard to figure out why do guys pull away before they commit to having a long-term relationship.

But how is it seemingly always the women who are the victims of this?

Don’t guys have similar needs to women in a relationship?

Of course they do, but guys’ needs are fulfilled differently from women.

And if you want to be successful at the dating game as a woman, you have to get to understand this.

You have to understand what these needs are and how they are best fulfilled in a relationship.

why guys turn away before committed

When A Man Pulls Away What Not To Do

Before you start blaming yourself, before you start harboring doubts about you, know this: It is most likely not about you.

Do not assume that it is about you. Unless you have solid evidence to the contrary, you should confidently assume, its not you.

And why confidently? Because that is going to determine how you approach the situation from there out.

After all, most likely he chased you. There has to be something there still.

Do not come across as desperate. That is not very attractive to him.

And certainly, do not try to coerce him into showing interest. He won’t be coerced and will only pull away further.

Do not react to his aloofness or withdrawal by showing disinterest yourself. He will see you as a fake.

Don’t change, be the woman he fell in love with.

So what is a girl to do when the man she is in love with or admire a lot becomes a bit cool and withdrawn?

He Has Become Distant and Cold – What To Do

First, be honest with your feelings for him. Let him know you are concerned and you are definitely interested in the relationship.

Do so in a confident manner that gives him an out if he wants to. You do not want to give the impression that you are asking him for a favor.

Stay true to the person he came to know and love.

Remember you do not know what he is thinking. You do not know if he even wants to come across as withdrawn. For all you know he may be suffering as much as you are.


Ask yourself the question: Why would a guy chase a girl, build a relationship with her, gets her to admire him, love him even, then choose to go cold on her?

If you say it makes little sense, you are right. It does. So let’s look at what makes sense.

The Underlying Reason Why Guys Pull Away Before They Commit

When a guy pursues a girl, what motivates him it’s more his desire to have her than his desire for a relationship.

Does that mean, he is not interested in a relationship? No, he most likely is. But that is not what he is focused on.

When the relationship moves to some degree of permanency all of a sudden it presents him with a new reality. His desire is now clouded. He has to figure out what is really going on.

In fact truth be told, he probably won’t even realize he needs to figure things out. He just knows his desire has changed somewhat and is not sure what it has changed to.

So now you know, now you have an idea what is going on, how do you reorient his attention back to the relationship?

This is where many women freak out and give up because they have no clue what is going on. They have no clue what to do.

But you do not have to. Because in this free report you are going to learn exactly how to turn the situation around like a master.

His Turning Away May Have Nothing To Do With You

Yes, that is most likely true. But here is the good news: getting back his attention has everything to do with you. You just need to know what to do.

Before we address what is to be done, you need to accept this truth: If he genuinely wants a relationship, he will respond to you. If he doesn’t, he wasn’t ready for one.

So what is the secret back to his undivided attention? Respect.

You may be thinking of loving him so much, but what you should be doing also, is respecting him so much. 

Or to be more specific, let him feel very respected.

The objective? – Let him be your hero.

He Wants Your Love But Needs Your Respect

He wants to be your hero. Your knight in shining armor, undoubtedly deserving of your love. 

Let him feel that way and you will have his undying attention. The trick is understanding why this is so and how to get there.

As soon as his desire to have you was fulfilled, his mindset began to shift to something else. And that something else is the desire to be respected by you because you mean so much to him.

Research shows men would rather be respected than loved. It’s wired into their DNA. Sure they want to be loved, but their greater need is to be respected.

Being respected by the woman they want to have a relationship with makes them feel worthy of her love.

To women this may sound a bit crazy, but to men it makes a lot of sense because that is what they feel. Sometimes some men just have a problem themselves understanding that this is what is going on so they withdraw.

And even when he knows it, what is he to do? Ask for your respect? Of course he is not going to do that.

So how do you quietly start to move him in this direction: where he feels respected by you, where he feels like he is your hero, deserving of your love.

You just need to know this: If you channel this deep desire of his to earn your respect in the right ways, he will turn his attention to you completely.

Peta Jane Kayes

MBA - Human Resources Management, Author, mother, wife, my passion is relationships and healthy living.

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