Trust Building in Relationships

Trust Building in Relationships

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Trust building should be a deliberate process and exercise of any long-term committed relationship. Going through the process of transforming my marriage, I saw that I really had an inadequate understanding of trust. I also saw that I had an inadequate understanding of the role it plays in building a really great relationship. It was only after great introspection and a lot of soul searching that I finally came to understand trust. The type of trust that would be adequate in getting me to where I want to go in my marriage.

Believe me, trust is way more important than we may first think. We may think that we have this correct notion on what trust is. The truth is, for many of us it is just that. It is nothing more than a notion picked up from just interacting with others.

How We Should Look At Trust Building

In Book 3 of the Bikini Relationship Rescue series – “Trust Building In Relationships & Resolving Trust Issues,” we look at why trust is so important to your relationship, why it is really all about comfort and how to get to that place where you share without fear.

We look at why you need to have a viable understanding of trust so that you will not fear having trust as so many of us do; we also look at cheating, and rebuilding trust and many other important aspects of trust. It doesn’t matter how you now see trust in your life right now. What matters is that you get to a place where trust provides you with the comfort to turn up fully in your relationship.

So  how should we see trust building in our relationship? We have to see it as more of a deliberate process rather than just the consequence of being with or around someone.

In other relationships, we can afford to have trust building be the indirect consequence of some other process. However, when it comes to a long-term committed relationship, trust building has to be deliberate.

The truth is many of us are just afraid to trust and trust completely.

While that is understandable given our human frailties, the simple fact is a relationship where either partner is uncomfortable in opening up, in sharing deeply is likely to be a place that breeds frustration.

Trust is much more than about sexual or marital fidelity. Trust goes to the heart of how we relate to each other, what we are able to bring to the relationship and what we are even prepared to accept. If we shortchange ourselves in any of these areas then we are going to shortchange what we get from that relationship.

The Process of Trust Building In a Relationship

In book 2 of the Bikini Relationship Rescue series, I told the story of my friend who, after a few failed relationships, just could not bring herself to embrace trust any more. Yet she still wanted a great, fulfilling relationship. That was not possible given her mindset about trust. It was only after one particular incident that she finally came around to understanding that what she said she wanted in a relationship was never going to happen unless she changed her mind about what trust is and how she should process it.

If you are not getting what you want from your relationship, if the environment seems hesitant, maybe you should look at how you have approached trust.

Trust building should be a process in your relationship. Never allow it to be just non-deliberate consequence. Yes, at a certain level it will be just that, but only after deliberate actions are taken to build trust.

That trust-building process must begin from the inception of the relationship. Too many of us forget this when we are enthralled by the feeling of love.

Deliberate Actions to Build Trust

Here are some deliberate actions you can take to build trust in your relationship before it is too late.

  • Discuss your values extensively.
  • Discuss what matters to you in a committed relationship.
  • Have discussions about what matter to you in life.
  • Have frank discussions of the consequences of breaching the trust that is established.
  • In particular discuss the breaches, such as sexual infidelity, and the likely consequences for the relationship.
  • Discuss the value of transparency and openness in building trust.
  • Be open and transparent in your communications in the relationship.
  • Develop a communication style in your relationship that allows for trust building rather than undermining it.

The above are only some of the more effective approaches you can adopt to building the trust in your relationship that is sustainable. 

The Importance of Taking a Deliberate Approach to Building Trust

There are no guarantees in life. However, as much as we can, we should ensure that we can hold on to some things. Even when other things fall apart and become questionable, we should be sure of some.

When we engage in a deliberate approach to building trust with someone this can be achieved. Because it means we are establishing real and tangible boundaries, things we are sure about. If we have had discussions with someone important to us and have come to build trust on those issues, then we can safely assume that person is who they represent themselves to be.

However, if that trust built up is ever breached, then we would know that something definitely went wrong. Rather than just seeing the other person as just an awful human being, we may be encouraged to look at what went wrong instead.

Taking deliberate actions to build trust, create tangible points of reference to guide us should that trust be breached. This can serve to aid any trust-rebuilding process that may be necessary in the future.

Adopting this approach leaves us with a broader perspective to deal with trust issues that may come up later.

It will be tempting to just let trust build on its own. You should not give in to that temptation in your relationship. Doing so only opens the door to misunderstandings at best and heart-aches at worst.  


A long-term committed relationship is a great place to exhibit some of our best qualities. It is also a great place to experience some of the best qualities of others. 

A prerequisite for the above is a level of comfort that allows each partner to turn up fully. Without trust, this level of comfort cannot exist.

One of the critical responsibilities for any relationship is to create the level of trust that results in such environment.

The most effective way to build this trust is to be deliberate about it. Being deliberate means not leaving trust building to chance. It also means recognizing the importance of trust in your relationship.

There is probably no greater thing you can do for your relationship than to be deliberate about building trust.

It provides mutual reassurance in your relationship, it builds value in the relationship, and maybe most importantly it provides resiliency in the face of relationship challenges.

If you commit to taking a deliberate approach to building the trust in your relationship it will reward you significantly.

Starting today you can adopt this approach to building trust and start reaping the benefits almost immediately.

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Peta Jane Kayes

MBA - Human Resources Management, Author, mother, wife, my passion is relationships and healthy living.

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